The Flagitious Weekend Predictions, Round 1

So, it all comes down to this. All you have ever been waiting for all summer. Psshh...who cares about World Cup!!! The La Liga's back and kicking! No pun intended.

Hércules vs. Atletíc Bilbao ( 9:00)

The blog has to go with Bilbao on this one. It's not just that TG has a weird notion that Hércules are going to be relegated, but it's Llorente and Iker Munian. We just can't wait to see them play.

Prediction: Hércules 1-2 Atletic Bilbao (away win)
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Málaga vs. Valencia ( 11:00)

Now, this is not a hard one, right?? Wrong. Málaga, no matter how bad this sounds, could pull this off. And this time, there's no Silva lining for Valencia.

Prediction: Málaga 1-1 Valencia (draw)
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Levante vs. Sevilla (13:00)

Two for Kanoute and two for Luis Fabiano. That's what the blog says.

Prediction: Levante 0-4 Sevilla (away win)
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Deportivo vs. Zaragoza (8:00)

Quite a belter. But questions all around. Will Riki be fit for Depor?? Will Pennant play for Zaragoza?? Yes and yes, folks.

Prediction: Deportivo 0-1 Zaragoza (away win)
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Espanyol vs. Getafe (8:00)

If the Spanish press were to revert back to their old ways, under pressure the blog is sure that Espanyol would play at least 10 times better than now. Nothing doing for Getafe. They'll have to do it themselves.

Prediction: Espanyol 3-1 Getafe (home win)
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Real Sociedad vs. Villareal (8:00)

Here is a big chance for Sociedad to prove their worth against a much stronger stuck-in-the-Europa-League Villareal. If Sociedad can pull this off, miracle on high. But all the signs point to ANOTHER away win. Chalk up another for the opponents.

Prediction: Real Sociedad 1-5 Villareal (away win)
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Osasuna vs. Almería (8:00)

Ah, is it a derby match? Perhaps, perhaps not. But what TG knows is....no goals.

Prediction: Osasuna 0-0 Almería (draw)
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Racing Santander vs. Barcelona (10:00)

Here is the biggie. And chalk up another win for the away team. Here's the scoop, kids: Zlatan will score his final two for the club before he is deported of to dirty old Italy, Leo will score a hat-trick, and Pedro might score one.

Prediction: Racing 0-6 Barcelona (away win)
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Mallorca vs. Real Madrid (12:00)

The second to last match of the weekend will see multitudes of falls and dives, as well a knee-knackerd, groin-staggering Káká, and a man who only wants to be known as Cristiano. May the guardian angels all protect us.

Prediction: Mallorca 2-3 Real Madrid (away win)
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Atletíco Madrid vs. Sporting Gijón (13:00)

Probably the least interesting start for Quique Sanchez Flores. You couldn't ask for an easier 3-0 win. Deigo Forlán, two goals. Kün Aguero, one goal.

Prediction At. Madrid 3-0 Sporting ( home win)
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"I'm sorry, Humberto, but could I get some more onions on there..WOAH!! Not that much onion! ¡No! Sólo in poco de cebolla, le dije!!

Spaniards, they just don't understand sometimes. Well, that wraps up the Round 1 Predictions for The Goleador, and on Monday the blog will publish the Heros and Zeroes of the weekend!!

Mourinho faces his first tough assignment at Real's helm

After the UEFA Champions League Draw 2010-2011 earlier today, many Spanish fans were left to ponder on the fate of their team in the Champions League.

Personally, the blog is a fan of Barcelona over Real Madrid, but this time TG has to put it's money on Real Madrid to pull out those amazing last-minute wins and fancy tricks over much tougher opposition than Barça. AC Milan is not a walk in the park, especially playing at the Guiseppe Meazza. But Mou knows a bit or two about those Italians, which obviously means he knows some of their tactics. That could help, eh?

Now, after Barcelona were drawn, it left one or two questions for TG to ponder. But one question at a time. The brain can only
hold so much, right? Anyway, Rubin Kazan have been plucked out of the pot and placed side-by-side with Barcelona. They're bet friends, don't you know???!?! But really, will the Russian curse strike the Catalunyan kings as they face Kazan again?? Bookmakers day maybe, the blog says not this time around.

Valencia. After the downright humiliation of Sevilla, people will start looking to the next in line (Valencia) to see how they will fare. Not to well, as it looks of now. No David in their Villa this year. Looks like the team will have to survive without him. Can't see them progressing any farther than the quarter-finals, really, but maybe after a 10-year wait will Santiago Cañizares actually suprise the blog.

So far into the post, the blog hadn't compained about anything. But there is a time or everything, isn't there? Just when the world was warming up to the fact that the Champions League Draw was on television, Giorgio Marchetti steps in. The hugely impatient Italian was rushing all four of the UEFA Players of the Year as if he had somewhere very important to go... More on that some other time.

The Irational Predictions For La Liga: the final part 4

Today, let's at least get the blog started off on a good foot. Today is the final part of the four-part predictions. The predictions today will be for Zaragoza, Racing, Real Sociedad, and Sporting.

Real Zaragoza

Jose Aurelio Gay. Why do these teams have the worst managers names?????? It kills the blog to say that it doesn't expect anything special from Blanquillos this time around. What TG is saying is, they've got the talent to succeed. For Zeus's sake, the team who has Jermaine Pennant is bound to be in for a ride. And just having the former Liverpool man is good enough to spurn the team on, but no!!! They go and bid on David Trézéguet! No! No! That's just messed up, and thought this may not sound like a rant, IT IS!!!

< TG prediction: 15th

Racing Santander

Racing is the saddest, deplorable, comiserable, despondent wreck of a team the blog has ever seen. TG tried sleeping over it. Meditating on it. But The Goleador just thinks that Santander is pathetic!!!!! Even more sad and unsettling than the music behind Schindler's List.

TG prediction: 19th

Real Sociedad

On the contrary, big balls Carlos Bravo blocked as many goals as were needed as Sociedad floated through a dream campaign that features none other than the downed teams of La Segunda, the garbage-bin twice-removed nephew of La Primera.

TG prediction: 11th

Sporting Gijón

Not wanting to hurt anyones feeling, TG doesn't want to say to much about the Rojiblancos #2. The blog will say that they have definitely gone down in recent years, with Manuel Preciado. In fact, The Goleador is still trying to find out the reason he's still with the club. The blog thinks that even if he leaves, no one will really know the difference. Or at least it won't make fans at El Molinón flip out.

Pray not.

TG prediction: 16th

And that, folks, concludes all the flimflam and jibber-jabber you have been reading for the past few days, but you know the blog won't stop there. Oh, TG can't wait for Round 1 of La Liga...

The Goleador's Irational Predictions For La Liga Part 3

Almería

The blog hates to say this, but we've got to get Part 3 started off on a bad foot. Sorry.

If last season was anything to go by, stay-at-home manager Juanma Lillo will be guiding his team on a hit-or-miss survival campaign. Javi Guerra will be fueling the team, and though they have so many attackers, most didnt even score last season.

There will be a tear or two to shed for Almería this year.

TG prediction: 14th

Atlhetic Bilbao

Just the name makes the blog want to don it jersey and head onto the pitch with them. But the Spaniards hate us.

Sad confession: The Goleador was extremely harsh to Bilbao last season, and if Mr. Caparrós is out there, sorry. But, honestly, the best goal the team scored last season was against Real Madrid. Just dribbling leisurely down the field, not one of the £20 million defenders closed Yeste down, and he just shot from the end of the 18 yard box, and before Iker knew it, it was in. He was left with that priceless "that bald-spotted bozo just scored on ME!?!?" look. The Goleador will never forget that.

Holding the team together is the admirable trio of Ustaritz, Fernando Amorbieta, and Andoni Iraiola, also known as the Fearsome Threesome.

And their frontmen. The blog's mouth is watering in anticipation to see Fernando Llorente and young gun Iker Munian in post-World Cup action. It's going to be a good season for both TG and At. Bilbao.

TG prediction: 5th

Espanyol

It's always a pleasant ride driving to Catalonia, especially when you have supporters from both rival clubs Espanyol and Barça breathing down your neck.

But you have to admit, despite the blog saying that even the dumbest cretin who knows absoulutey nothing about football could say "oh ya, Barcelona's the club that have that shorty guy Messi," and know that Barcelona has won almost all the meetings with Espanyol, there is still a lot of passion on the backs of Espanyol.

You must admit, they did lose Dani Jarque, and that couldve killed their spirits for years to come, but the kept it up, the blog knows not how, with a player with the last name of De La Peñis. A better season to be expected from the 11th place finishers this time around.

TG prediction: 9th

Levante

Honestly, the blog had predicted years ago that Levante would go bankrupt. Haven't they already?? Apparently not. Levante is a gross reminder of what happens when a club spends money on players that are very expensive and give the team inflated wages. But here they come, doggedly managing to stay in La Primera.

But not for long.

TG prediction: 20th

Last and final Part 4 will be published tomorrow...

The Goleador's Irational Predictions for La Liga Part 2

Now, if you paid close attention, the blog did say it would publish the second chapter of La Liga predictions tomorrow, but TG was bored to the depths of it's b*ll**ks, so it will be published today!! Let's give a hearty cheer for all our "contenders!"

Osasuna

Dear Zeus, let's get this over with quick. Sporting a ragtag squad barely fit to grace the field, the team is led mostly
by the not-so-dastardly duo of Pandiani and Carlos Aranda, who scored most of the goals for Osasuna last season.

Spanish goalkeeper Ricardo will, as always, be forced to let in many goals because apparently according to him, "the gloves don't fit."

TG prediction: 11th

Sevilla

If their is one thing the blog absolutely hates, it is Sevilla.
TG would rather drag their dead bodies down the disgusting gutters of Spain than talk about them, but it must be done. While former manager Manolo Jimenez laments every entering the world of football management in his cozy cottage by the sea, Antonio Alvarez and the team must juggle the thought that they ACTUALLY have a World Cup star in the glowing form of Luis Fabiano, and Freddy Kanouté must know that he has been exiled forever from Mali and their footballing traditions.

TG prediction: 7th

Valencia

If you have forgotten (but hopefully you haven't), Unai Emery was the wanted man who lead Valencia within eyesight of the title, but at the last moment it drifted just beyond the void. This season, he plans to do the same, but this time without starlet David Villa, who has moved to in-debt club Barcelona. And if he keeps on doing things the oh-so-disturable Spanish press don't like, well, he might come begging to the blog's own dirty hovel.

TG prediction: 7th or 8th

Deportivo

The days were cool and breezy.

The blog had just finished watching an old recording or El Clasico.

TG had just perfected the perfect Dutch apple pie.

But then the topic of Deportivo came up, and just the thought of striker Riki limping around crying to the world about a damn "knock to the knee" and them scraping out 1-0 wins until Febuary when they just give up in despair make the blog want to head to the bathroom.

TG prediction: 13th

Villareal

if their is one club that The Goleador is willing to stick it's neck out for and declare "the glory days are here again," it would be for Juan Carlos Garrido's Champions League-bound Villareal. Sure they could use a little bit of Nihat and a sprinkle of Tomasson, but what they lack in old glory they make up for with their attacking maestros Nilmar, Guiseppe Rossi and Rubén. Nilmar even wrapped up the campaign with an impressive 15 goals bagged for them.

Then, Joan Capdevilla, who by himself could probably lift Estadio El Madrigal on his shoulders, let alone defend against teams like Real Sociedad and Racing. Let's leave this subject be and see how he does in his first game on Sunday.

TG prediction: 4th

Part 3 will be published either later today or tomorrow...

The Goleador's Irational Predictions for La Liga Part 1

Getafe

For a club that's smack in the middle of Spain, their 6th place finish wasn't to shabby for them. Led mostly by their ever-steady midfielder Dani Parejo, and by their newest coach Michél, Getafe have had so many changes in managers, it could just be the reason why the finish just behind the top four EVERY year.

TG prediction: 6th

Barcelona

With Lionel Messi getting a record haul of goals last season, and with new signing David Villa as well as old favorites Bojan, Puyol, and Abidal, Barcelona have a good bid for the title.

TG prediction: 2nd

Hercúles

The crux of a huge match-fixing scandal back in La Segunda, the Andalusian side only finished second last year to Real Sociedad, the newbies could make a suprising impact on La Primera ( but most likely not).

TG prediction: 13th

Mallorca

O, woe to thee, Mallorca, for missing a spot in the coveted Champions League to a bogus last minute goal from Sevilla!! Another season stuck in the Europa League, and it could downs their hopes of ever retaining a top 4 spot again.

TG prediction: 5th

Málaga

With only 31 goals to their name last season, the team bought out by Abdullah bin Naser al Zani, the Arab sheikh has done nothing to improve the team holding on to La Primera with one itty-bitty finger from the ledge of a huge cliff.

TG prediction: 18th and relegation

Atletíco Madrid

Tirelessly working for the better good, Diego Forlán is the chap who is leading the Rojiblancos, not their manager. Oh dear Neptune, I hope not. Not many attacking options, and no Maniche, so where do they go? To the top of the table.

TG prediction: 3rd

Real Madrid

Not one of the blog's favorites, Real Madrid is sporting a Jesus-status redeemer in the form of Jose Mourinho this season. With boatloads of goals from both Gonzalo Higuaín and Cristiano Ronaldo, and a midfield line consisting of Canales, Ozil, Xabi Alonso, and Pedro Leon, TG sees no reason why, with training drills being yelled out through the stadium speakers and armed guards in uniform circling the team, their shouldn't be a great atmosphere around and in the Bernabeau.

TG prediction: 1st

Part Two will be published tomorrow...

Fergie gently beckons Van Der Vaart, Mourinho sharpens his knives, and Villareal? Really??

Aahh...there is nothing The Goleador loves more than a little bit of overseas drama. Even more than the Directv pay-per-view "special" events on television. And here, shining in the the blog's spotlight today, is Rafael Van Der Vaart. In an exclusive interview with Marca ( they really know how to wheedle out the truth, don't they), VdV said "I was offered a chance to play [at Manchester United], and with the situation that is taking place in Madrid, it would be very difficult to refuse." "Manchester allows you to fight for titles, something I value at this stage of my career." of course, who wouldn't pass up an opportunity for a fun-loving dutchie, with Galatasaray and Werder Bremen throwing their lots in. The blog wishes it couldve seen Mou's face after those remarks.

Speaking of the almighty gray-haired, spiffy Portugal man, Mourinho told Marca that he wanted to trim his squad. Currently awaiting his call-up are twenty-six players. Originally, Mourinho had twenty, but with six summer signings, the numbers are bound to go up. Many many rumours have circulated about Mourinho's starting lineup, and here is The Goleador's prediction. Casillas, Arbeloa, Carvalho, Sergio Ramos, Marcelo, Xabi Alonso, Gago, Ozil ( Mou really hasn't wasted his time with him: just a day after he was presented as a new player and one training session with his colleagues, he is already ready for inclusion), Canales, Cristiano Ronaldo, and Higuaín. It took the blog a long time to solve this, but all this means is that Alou and Mamadou Diarra, along with VdV (of course), and maybe even Karim Benzema will be heading on the transfer bus out.

Now The Goleador turns it wary eyes onto Villareal. The Pires-lovesick team beat DNEPR 5-0, amazingly enough. Who would have thought!?!

Swiveling around to Catalonia again. Hold the boos, please. Mino Raiola, also known as Mr. protect-Zlatan-at-all-costs-or-else, has spoken out again for Ibra. To Marca, he said, " I think it is easier for Guardiola to go rather than Zlatan. Guardiola is under contract for 1 year, and Ibrahimovic for four. The mathematics are clear." After hearing this atrocity, the blog went and hunted down the professor who was previously known as Raiola's math teacher. Anyone in their right mind would not say something of that magnitude to Pep, except for TG.

Speaking of Barcelona, another of their players has spoken out against Mourinho. It wasn't Gerrard Pique, but Dani Alves. That's right. The midfielder who may be transferring has said that "with or without Mourinho, the Barça way to compete will not change." that's two on the scoresheet for Barcelona, zero for old Mou.

Sevilla's CL downward spiral, and Ozil living the dream ( but is he really?)

After the whole Herculés match-fixing scandals, and all the relgation battles, and all the enourmous financial problems drowning the poor teams, The Goleador has to admit that it is tired out. So, when TG heard that Sevilla were playing a Chanpions League Qualifier against Sporting Braga, it's spirits were piqued and we decided to risk it and see if Sevilla had after a tumultous season in La Primera. And there is only four words to describe how they played: they didn't have it. hum-dee-dum goalkeeper Palop didn't even make an attempt to catch the sitter of a header from Andrés Nascmiento. Would-be "playmakers" Luis Fabiano and Freddy Kanouté played as if the World Cup had ended a week ago. This game has only served to reinforce the dreadful notion TG has had in its head for so long now that Champions League qualfiers are dull and dead-ended. Supercup, here we come.

24 hours before Werder Bremen were to play Sampdoria at the Weserstadion, the German side finally reached an agreement with Real Madrid for the sale of midfield charmer Mesut Ozil. The Goleador figures that Werder were unnerved at the fact the the pouty German had said "sell me or I won't play." Now, Now, Mesut, that's not the way your mom taught you. And if Marca's Wednesday edition cover is true ( It hardly can be, at that), Real have really landed a charmer of a footballer in Ozil. And while Ozil is flown in on a posh, private jet, the man rumored to be leaving Castle Greyskull is none other than Rafael Van Der Vaart. The dutch player was unusually serene when asked about his position at the Bernabau, which is quite unlike him. Usually he his jogging the ball down the left touchline or sniffing the inside of his boots on the bench in a sort of manaical fashion. But, with him, you never really know. But (and There's always that 'but'), TG had it doubts about Mesut. Özil had told AS that he can now say with some satisfaction that “a dream of mine has come true”, although the blog did have to pinch itself and recheck Tuesday’s news, considering Özil told ‘Bild’ last October that it was a “dream of mine” to join Barcelona as “I’ve been a fan of Barcelona, ever since I was a little boy.” More scandals to come? Now that is something that not even TG, with it's supremely intelectuall mind, can answer.

Real's tears...and how the Galaxy benefit

As if The Goleador hadn't hung it's head enough times after Spain won the World Cup, Spanish football finds a way to throw yet another monkey wrench into our plans. Less than two days before Real Madrid take on the L.A. Galaxy at the almost-guaranteed-to-be-sold-out Rose Bowl in Pasadena this Saturday, realmadridfc.com have sorrowfully announced that Kaka may be sidelined for up to 2 months with a meniscus problem. Kaka left Real's training camp for possible surgery in Belgium. If they do perform keyhole surgery on him, what TG has just stated above will all become real. No pun intended. Sure, the club's official website added that Kaka has recovered very well from the groin strain that hampered his game last season, but what now? He's out again, TG is afraid to say. But the Galaxy must be dancing in the hotel suite. Though there in much more talent on Madrid than just Kaka, that's one load off their tiny backs. Unfortunately, for anyone who plans to attend the game ( The Goleador will be, for all who are concerned), they will miss out on an oppurtunity to see a REAL superstar play. Once again, no pun intended. Hey, if this keeps happening to Kaka, the poor young man might just be put out of his misery and be sold. Mourinho has already stated he wants two or three more signing at the Bernabeau before the transfer window shuts down for awhile. And we all can remember what he was like at Chelsea.